If artichokes get their own month

There are many things to get upset about in one’s day-to-day goings-on—large scale, small scale, everything in between. More often than not, I find, the source of the upset can be traced back, in some way, to someone who has chosen to be an asshole. Maybe that’s not correct—I think there are some people who can’t help it, in the same way that some people can’t help it that their toes point in (although that really freaks me out if I think about it too much). So let me revise: the source of daily upset can be traced to a causative factor, which is often a person, that includes assholery in some form.

It’s easy to get angry at them, to say “boy, I sure hate those assholes.” Even though it doesn’t change anything specific about the situation, I often feel like I make some sort of progress in a global sense by directing my vitriol in the offending asshole’s direction. I’m sure I’m not alone…in fact, I happen to know for a fact that you, no, YOU, yeah…my site meter shows me who’s reading this…I mean, noooo, no, the other you, yes, you felt the same way this morning about that one thing. We talked about it on the phone. That.

But sometimes, we may go too far. Sometimes, we may exceed the threshold for being angry at the situation the assholery has created and we put all our force into being angry at the asshole. And I’d like to advocate that we not only stop this practice, but that we commemorate this portion of society with October 4: Assholes Are People, Too, Day.

Because they are people, too. And we should celebrate them. So to you, assholes of the world, I present your very own day. I salute you.

If you park over the line just enough to make two spaces perform as one just so no one will ding your door, I salute you. If you cross through an intersection when there isn’t room for your car on the other side, thus creating a barricade of Ford across the intersection when the light changes and leaves you stranded, I salute you.

If you’re a smug, underachiever who uses details about other people’s lives as currency in casual conversation, I salute you. If you undertip waitpersons while whining about the way you totally deserve more money at your own paper-pushing job, I salute you. If you lead someone on while concealing your current long-term relationship, I salute you. If you push a relationship to move at a breakneck pace while complaining to your friends about how serious your new partner wants everything to be, I salute you.

If you knowingly walk away from a working toilet in a public restroom without flushing, I salute you. If you go commando and try on tight-fitting pants in a fitting room at a store where other people might one day shop and even buy, I salute you.

If you derive your politics solely from Fox News and delight in the way your hate-speak makes thoughtful people cringe, I salute you. If you voted for Bush in the last election and are thrilled to lather-rinse-repeat the same mistake all over again in a month, I salute you. If you think Ann Coulter is a nice gal and people should stop giving her such a hard time, I salute you.

If you use a thesis-less war to manipulate the fears of your constituents while squandering the goodwill this country has enjoyed for the past two decades and aim the rest of your efforts at effectively denying the control people have over the goings-on of their own bedrooms or uteruses, I didn’t vote for you before, I don’t plan to vote for you next month, but I’m thrilled you’re reading my site and hope you enjoy the archives.

If you sneeze vigorously in a theater without covering your mouth such that your sneeze lands on the hair and neck of the person in front of you, I salute you. If you walk with your friends three abreast such that you occupy the entire sidewalk and do so slowly, I salute you.

If you shout at the top of your lungs every afternoon while watching sports on TV in an apartment with thin walls, I salute you. If you offer unsolicited advice to people while they smoke/eat/workout, I salute you. If you steal magazines from the dentist’s office, I salute you. If you think there’s nothing wrong with a glass ceiling, or deny its existence altogether, I salute you. If you blame the poverty-stricken for their situation, I salute you.

They are assholes, but first and foremost, they’re people. It may feel like they add nothing but negativity and ire to our lives, but they add so much more. So I charge you, readers, to go forth on the fourth and hug an asshole or two. Remind them that you value them for who they are, and that you celebrate it.

And then you can kick them.