Greetings, campers. I am returning to my (self-imposed) Monday posting-mandate. Since I skated out of last week without any gesture towards a list, I feel strongly compelled to post one now. I haven’t been kicking around much in the way of material for this list, so I have no idea what direction it will take.

Things I Like

• The recently-renovated fitness center at my apartment. It finally occurred to someone that there may, in fact, be a better use for the space neighboring the fitness center than a racquetball court. Seriously, who were they kidding with that? Every time I went to use the elliptical runner (okay, both times I went) I was struck by the uncanny feeling that I had somehow become a stockbroker in the mid-80s and that I should do a line of cocaine at my earliest convenience. Thankfully, I was never swayed. Anyway, now we are sans racquetball court—and we have those crazy wonderful treadmills/runners/bikes with the personal flat-screen TVs mounted on them. Oh, how sweet it is.

• My job. No, not really, but that’s what they want me to say.

• Uni-ball Vision Elite pens in blue-black. Though the actual writing utility of this pen isn’t my absolute favorite, the ink is second to none. It’s truly the perfect colour—muted but exciting, if that makes sense. It inspires within me an odd feeling of tranquility tempered by the extreme urgency to write something down. Weird, eerie, but very fun.

• Hot and Sour soup. I have no idea why I’ve been an Egg Drop Soup-only girl for this long. On a whim, I added a container of Hot and Sour to my Chinese takeout order on Friday night and I damn near licked it clean. I’ll admit without shame that I ended up going back last night for another quart.

• The word ‘payola.’ The actual definition of this word is nowhere near as fun as what I think it sounds like—a slang term for money someone owes you. For example: “We refused to finish the job until he forked over the payola, man.” Its use is greatly enhanced by slyly rubbing one’s fingers together and drawing out the vowels of the word. Give it a whirl—go ahead, your coworkers totally aren’t looking.


Things I Don’t Like

• Waiting. One of my most unfortunate weaknesses is my intense lack of patience. I know, I know: patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace—put them both together and they make a smiling face. Yeah, well, there are times when I need a little more than a graceful, smiling face to dial down the crazy. I’m working on it, really I am.

• Born-again ex-smokers/dieters. I myself have now counted two months and four days of being smoke-free and I have dieted off and on for the past four or five years, so I am at full liberty to make experiential comment on the behaviors inherent to both groups here. When people decide to make a life-choice for themselves, I applaud them and support their efforts. What I can’t stand is the unsolicited proselytizing the born-agains feel compelled to disperse amidst the as-yet unconverted. People, lay off—if I feel like having a second piece of cake, I’m going to have my fucking cake regardless of how many goddamn points it’s worth in your Weight Watchers handbook. The thing I really love about their whole points thing (and I speaking specifically about the community of Weight Watchers with whom I currently work) is that they act as though I give a shit about how many points something is worth. I promise, I don't. Not one bit. Then there's the born-again ex-smokers like NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who recently (and successfully) advocated the passage of a city ordinance banning smoking in all bars. Smoke-free bars in New York? What is this world coming to.....

• Vacuuming. Once again, a place where having a husband would be highly useful, as I could completely pawn this off on him in exchange for, say, laundry and dishes. As the cats are still woefully without opposable thumbs or sentience, I really don’t have anyone to bargain about chores with.


Yikes…so this was quite possibly the shortest and fluffiest list I’ve ever posted. Fuck that noise, it’s here on Monday…and that’s an accomplishment in and of itself.