Check it out…I’m actually posting on a Monday! This isn’t the longest list I’ve ever posted, but it’s here and it’s on time, which has to be worth something.

Things I Like

• Hans Blix. Actually, I haven’t completely formed my opinion one way or another on Mr. UN Inspector…but I really and truly dig his name. Hans Blix…say it, you’ll feel nifty. Hans Blix! Some people have those names you just want to shout—I had a professor once named Heghnar Watenpaugh, which you should definitely shout in some fashion before the end of the day. It’s pronounced exactly as it looks, and it’s very conducive to bellowing. Go, shout it now.

• The Anna Nicole Show. I am so guilty of loving this show I can hardly stand it. Reality television, in general, bores me to tears. Recently, however, I have made two reluctant exceptions to my opinions on RTV—The Anna Nicole Show and Joe Millionaire (I know, I know!). To be honest, I can’t completely make myself watch and entire episode of Anna Nicole, because I reach breaking point with her vapid sluggishness pretty quickly…yet something always pulls me back. It’s kind of like slowing down to see the car accident, getting grossed out, then circling back around the block for another look in spite of yourself. Whatever it is, I can’t stop watching. They’re airing a live episode on March 2, and if you think I’m not going to tape it, you’d better think again.

• Solid perfume. You’ve seen it—looks like a tiny little deodorant stick you rub on your neck and wherever else you normally apply fragrance. Though it can be difficult to find your favorite scent in this form, it’s pretty awesome when you can—the intensity stays constant for several hours (much longer than anything liquid) and it tends to leave tiny little shimmery bits all over your skin. Not tacky, please-cleanse-thyself-Tinkerhell glittery, mind you, but nicely subtle sparkle. A glow, if you will.

• Direct deposit. I’m actually required by my primary employer to utilize this banking function, and I couldn’t be happier. Seriously, is there anything that gives you the same unique sense of both security and glee than looking at the clock late Thursday night and knowing your paycheck just showed up in your account—in its entirety?! No effort, no deposit slip…just the blind faith that your money is going to be there. Yes sir, I love me some direct deposit.

• Lemony Snicket. I know, I know, another cool name, but I can’t resist. I have come to understand that this is actually a pseudonym of a children’s author named Daniel Handler (which, come to think of it, is a pretty cool name in and of itself). Though I think Lemony Snicket is an absolutely smashingly wonderful name, I can’t help but imagine what an even better pastry it would be. I can stand here today and say with complete certainty that I would order anything called a Lemony Snicket off any menu, regardless of the description. It’s pure naming genius, and it sounds like it would be highly agreeable to any form involving a buttery crust.

• Federal holidays. Working at an institution that follows the federal holiday schedule really bites you in the ass around Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter…but you come out even in random three-day weekends for holidays you wouldn’t normally observe. Seriously, Columbus Day? Never gave it a thought before, now I actively look forward to the second Monday in October. This Monday is President’s Day, and I’ve got a full day’s worth of vegetating penciled in.

Things I Don’t Like

• Baby’s Breath. Why is the industry standard for floral arrangement filler so unbelievably tacky? Truly, you can take a perfectly wonderful grouping of flowers and greenery and turn it into cheesy shit by adding a few sprigs of baby’s breath. It’s fugly, and there are a ziptillion alternatives. If I could find a florist who refused to stock baby’s breath and consequently used any of the other triptillion options of filler, I would make them my one and only floral supplier.

• Ridiculous overreactions to cold weather. Stop the presses, the temperature approached freezing here this weekend. For some reason, this caused residents of this fine city to lose all sense of reason and accountability and take undue extreme measures to “protect” themselves. Seriously, my apartment complex posted signs all over the place (huge, red signs) that read: “FREEZE WARNING! Drip faucets! Set thermostat to 65!” Jebus, people, I spent the first 17 years of my life in places with legitimate cold and not ONCE did we drip our faucets to prevent frozen pipes. Really, for pipes to freeze, you have to have a) an actual hard freeze that more than makes a gentle gesture in the 32-degree range, and b) it has to happen pretty fast. Yikes.

• The Two-Week Freakout. Unfamiliar with this concept? Clearly you haven’t dated men under 30 in recent memory. I’ll come back to the logic behind my age-bracketing here in a minute, but let me first explain this horrific phenomenon. The Two-Week Freakout (TWF) is the unfortunate event that inevitably occurs after two weeks or so of dating someone new. I’ve heard legends of women initiating it, but I think they might be pure rumor. In my experience, after two weeks (or 3-4 dates, give or take), a sudden and unexplained distancing occurs. At some point, this is followed by a bullshit conversation about “not wanting a relationship” and “needing to take time for [the speaker]” or possibly “you’re really great, but I don’t want to give you any false expectations.” It’s entirely possible to smooth past the TWF, but its occurrence definitely dials up the crazy in any relationship, and that’s garbage. Also, it strikes me as entirely lame that these boys, er, men, never seem to think for a *moment* that at least *some* of the women out there aren't wanting to define a Relationship after two weeks. Yeesh, calm the hell down, guys, some of us would just like to see where it goes. Okay, back to my age bracketing—I can say with certainty that this occurs regularly and reliably with men under 30. I’m furtively hoping it’s something they eventually grow out of, but time will tell. Maybe less time than one would think…oh devil! I’ve said too much!


That wraps up this week’s list. I’m loosely thinking about a Friday wrap-up for the week, but we’ll see how things go. May your week be delightful and your metabolism speedy!