I knew I wouldn’t last all afternoon without thinking of something to bitch about. Here goes…

What the hell is going on with the gum packaging revolution sweeping the country? Once upon a time—like, 18 months ago—the dominant gum presentation option was the traditional and highly appealing stick wrapped in foil. I was down with that. You had 15 sticks in a pack—20 in a bonus pack—and everything was kosher. I grew up with those sticks—made tiny foil airplanes and cranes out of the wrappers, initiated several attempts to smoosh the foil into as compact a ball as possible, etc. The foil, I might add, was an invaluable thing to save for later as an incredibly convenient disposal receptacle. It didn’t matter if you were near a trashcan when your gum died; you were prepared with your very own means for disposal.

The apparent wisdom and practicality of this system was apparently lost on the nation’s gum manufacturers. All they want to sell me these days are those bizarre little rectangular blobbies that they insist on hermetically sealing in a foil blister pack. Foil? What the hell? It’s GUM, not Nyquil, for the love of Pete. This is, of course, to completely overlook my utter disgust with the new sizing of the blobbies. You pop one, chew it, and within a matter of a few seconds it’s the size of about three mini Chiclets. When I want me some gum, I want me some gum. Whenever I’m forced to buy the ridiculously formatted gum, I always end up popping like three pieces at a time. That’s just bad economy.