If you've never been to Texas, you'll probably never understand me when I say it's like a whole 'nother country here. I experience frequent, though fleeting, moments of utter paralysis when a little voice in my head reminds me that I LIVE here. It's usually followed by another voice that whines "Nuh-uh!" and thus the paralysis starts, since the first voice has the bonus of reality to make its case and therefore inevitably wins.

It will never be home, for many reasons. A large many of those reasons can be captured in the weather category, because the meteorological happenings of this place are just plain batshit crazy, and resemble nothing that comes close to my frame of, say, normal. I'll come back to this much more in the future, but for now let's just say I don't get it. How in the name of all that is holy can it rain so damned much with absolutely no warning? And the humidity....yeesh. I recently conceded defeat in the three-year battle with my hair in which I have languished dispiritedly while attempting to grow it long. Given the number of days wherein the air quality outside bears frightening similarity to a giant post-hot-shower bathroom, the ongoing quest for straight, non-frizzy, non-bushy hair seems a ridiculous exercise in wasting time and ending up with merely a set of tired arms to show for my labor. So it's all gone, end of battle.

But this isn't the moment in which I feel like waging my fullout disapproval of the weather in this place. No, right now I'd like to attack the insidious beast that is Texas car dealership ads. I'm serious, if you want to completely overdose on your class-A good ole' boy Texas expectorant, spend a Sunday afternoon with Texas cable stations and you'll be good to go. The market is so large that the budget for most dealerships is actually high enough to produce decent-looking local commercials--a far cry from the locally-produced pieces of crap I know from home. However, if I'm going to put Texas car dealership commercials up against the local business wastes of airspace from back home, I'll go ahead and say the Texas ads lose overall, regardless of higher quality. Don't get me wrong, those ads from home are nauseating as all hell, but I'm pretty sure it's a uniquely Texas thing to watch local ads and actually feel less smart. While we're at it, go ahead and lump local furniture store ads in that category. Though certainly not as well-produced, they equal (if not surpass) the stupidity levels of the dealership ads. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and pencil in the primary purveyors of said local ads to my list of People I'd Like to Kick in the Teeth (publication forthcoming).